Salad, Baked Fish, and Michael

I told myself that I would start writing more. My blog has been sorely neglected (up until now). Several writers notebooks with pages waiting to be breathed on. "I'll get to it", is my usual response. Sometimes, though, the inspiration just hits you at the moment when you least expect it.

I just polished off a blazin' salad with baked fish. Although a glass of wine would have gone perfectly with that meal, I decided to wash it down with a cold glass of Tropicana Orchard Peach Punch (which happens to be on sale at Wal-Mart for $1.00). Yes, I know that's "country", but I like what I like. Plus, my mind is clear. But I don't intend to talk solely about what I had for dinner or the deals I catch at Wal-Mart. I guess it's my (covert) way of avoiding the subject, so bear with me.

I've refrained from writing about really personal topics on my blog. There's an open invitation for anyone to read it. Most of my posts are about my family or my life as a teacher. On the sidelines, I usually talk about basketball, although I don't usually post about that. I'm a totally different animal when it comes to basketball. I can't help it--I'm a fiend, at best! How I'll make it through the summer, I don't know. Perhaps a separate blog is on the horizon...(again, this was another attempt to get off topic)

Sometimes, though, the inspiration hits you to write about things that are really close to your heart. As my friend Tim would put it, "you're showing that you're human." I'm sure that we can all admit to wanting to purge our thoughts/emotions/feelings as a method of catharsis. Going "public" with those same thoughts is on a different level-there's a bit of vulnerability that goes along with that. This is probably why it's one of those human qualities that many of us try to conceal or keep close to our hearts. It gets easier with every risk I take (at least as a writer).

Right before my first year of teaching, I worked during the summer as a camp counselor. It was there that I met Michael. I just knew that he was "the one." For the first time in my life, it seemed, I knew what love felt like coming from a significant other. My memories will be very random: There was patience. Appreciation. Anticipation. Great dinners followed by hours of great conversation that just nourished the soul. Long evening walks. Countless hours of listening to GOOD music. The way he looked at me. The way he talked to me in hushed tones. The way I giggled or played with my ear to keep from blushing. Poetry--it was as if sometimes what we felt couldn't be spoken...we had to write it out. I was inspired in so many ways by his words that I HAD to write, too. Just for him. My heart would ache just thinking about how happy I was--I realized that love doesn't have to hurt. I would smile at the most random moments. Everyone around me sensed it. I'd never felt such a connection with another human being. The best part was...I didn't lose myself in the relationship or in him, as I had done in my past. I saw me...a different me, though.

So what happened? Although our friendship remains, the relationship eventually dissolved. There were differences that neither of us were ready to outgrow, or better yet, admit if we wanted to outgrow. I've come away knowing more about myself, though. There will always be a part of me that will give credit to him for inspiring me to love so freely--without any inhibitions. That's a loving friendship that many people spend their life chasing.

A few months ago, Michael shared with me that he is in a relationship and thinks that he has found the woman that he wants to marry. Even though I know with every fiber of my being that he is not the husband that God has chosen for me, I felt a little disappointed...as if I had failed at something. Then I remembered something that I would always tell myself: perhaps God wanted our paths to cross to give an example of true love and friendship. My friend Shawntay shared something with me years ago written by T.D. Jakes--he talked about sort of celebrating moments like this. Being thankful for seasons--everyone is not meant to stay in your life forever. I know that it's okay to celebrate love when it's here, but also it's okay to let it go when you have to. More importantly, I know that it's okay to expect love to make me feel a certain way the next time it comes around. My eyes and ears are open. My heart is ready...

Typically, I would try to find the best way to craft each line in my post--I worry about the audience that reads my blog. Because I'm simply "collecting my thoughts", I won't worry about the particulars if you promise to do the same :)) .

I guess I am human, afterall.

*Exhale*